My essay “Parallel (Intersecting) Lives” is live!
This one’s all about fear of abandonment–not the cheeriest topic in the world, but one that’s been on my mind a lot in the recent past. How do you keep old abandonments from avalanching into Debilitating Trust Issues? How do you keep yourself guarded without becoming cynical? I’ve been accused of seeing the world too black-and-white (everything’s either perfect or disastrous in my eyes) and I think that applies to my fears on this subject: I enter every relationship dreading its end, as if a relationship can only be valuable if it lasts to the grave.
Ironically, I just (“just,” as in a few days ago) ended the relationship I discuss in this essay. And, as I write in the essay, I wish I hadn’t had to. I wish I could’ve led two lives: one in which I was engaged, and one completely different life in which I was single (or even with someone else). That indecisiveness was probably poisonous to my relationship, but it taught me a valuable lesson, and it forced me to make a choice that was for the best. I can’t have two lives, so it’s my responsibility to build a life that doesn’t need a fallback AU. The breakup has been…well…let’s just say that I have plenty more essays to write 😉 The mood of which could only be described as: